To Somebody I Used To Know,
In a sea of people, I often find myself isolated. Whenever I feel isolated I stare into empty spaces. These times, my mind is emptied of everything, and even my heart is purged of emotions that usually burden it. But tonight is quite different. Tonight, unexpectedly, I find myself filled with memories of you.
Again, I am reminded of how hard I have been trying to let go these past few years. I find it quite difficult, actually, to let go of you because honestly I have no iota of what I am moving on from. I find myself still frozen on memories that have long passed, especially the last time we met. I thought that it was just any ordinary day. But I am badly mistaken. How am I suppose to guess that it would be the conclusion of something that I have long cherished.
Yes, I’ve been hopelessly in love with you for as long as I remember. The moment Cupid struck my unsuspecting heart, I’ve been hooked. But fate refused to intercede on my part. It was meant to be a roller coaster ride for my heart, I’ve always known that, but still I let my heart beat the way it wants to beat. Unfortunately, there never was to be any synchronization. I accepted all of that.
It hurt until I learned to accept your decision and choice. It is beyond me to change that because beyond my personal happiness, I respected you and everything you stood for. I choked on myself, but I accepted it all because you are more important to me. I initially thought that in doing so I will keep you beside me forever, even just as a companion. Sadly it was never meant to be how I envisioned it to be. Well, fate was never my best friend I guess.
Back to our last happy memory together, I slowly started to thaw that frozen memory and countless ones before that. I have been awaken and have realized that in order for me to move forward, I must concede to the tides of time, and of destiny. What I wanted is something that I will never get, this time around, and I must learn to accept that. I must let go.
However, it still perplexes me. What am I moving on from again? I have accepted my fate, I have accepted the fact that I will never have your heart from the very onset. At first, it shattered me but I learned to pick up the pieces to build a better version of me. I learned to accept things as they are.
Then all of it hit me simultaneously. I’m reminded that I am trying to move on from the time you left me hanging in the air, from the time you just left dangling in hopes. I’m appalled because I am not really exactly sure when things started turning around. I mean, the momentum of everything sliding downhill really surprised me because it is something that I never quite unexpected.
The day after my frozen memory, I tried to contact you, to no avail. For the succeeding months, I tried all mediums of communications to reach out to you. But it was all for naught. I was getting desperate, and worse, paranoid. I wanted to visit you at your office but even I am cognizant that would be the cusp of desperation. In a sea of people, I tried to look for that familiar face that have haunted me the very first time I set my eyes on it. But I just cannot find it there. I just can’t. I tried my best to calm my racing heart down, to keep myself from thinking the worse, but I keep failing badly.
I’m afraid of losing you, no, I am afraid of losing everyone I love. I’m afraid of people walking out of me. But in time, I’ve realized that more often than not, they always do. It just breaks my heart, every single time because I want to keep everyone, as much as possible. Unfortunately I am always the last one who gets left behind. And the feeling sucks. It is not a grand feeling for sure.
But with you, it’s all the more painful because it came unexpectedly. I thought you’ll be one of those who’ll opt to stay. But I guessed wrong. Maybe you were intimidated by my intentions or maybe you were as perplexed of the labyrinthine psyche that is me. Do know, however, that my intentions are as clear as daylight. I have long accepted by fate, no matter how much it discomfited me, or broken me. I tried bridging the widening gap but I conceded loss.
It sucks to be me, you know. For years from that day I’ve tried very hard to move on from you. Still, I find it difficult because I have no idea why I have to move on from you. But you, on your part, have already moved on. From strangers to friends, we’ve reversed the tides of time and became strangers again. And it just breaks my heart, deeply because of the many things I wanted to preserve. Maybe that’s where they ought to be, in the past.
But how can you truly move on from something so special, from something so close to your heart? It’s been years already and still I find myself going back to those moments I’ve frozen in time but it seems that I am nothing but a spectator. As time started to flow, I’ve become more and more cognizant of the need to thaw those frozen memories so that I can let you go.
It’s still difficult. It still feels like my heart is being ripped apart. I have loved you too deeply to let you go. But how can I hold on to someone who wouldn’t even dare to hold on to me. You never gave me a thread to cling on to, never a semblance of hope to remind me that you still recognize me as part of you, not as a lover, but as a friend.
Again, I am staring into empty spaces. Trying to picture an image of you, but I failed. Somehow, as I slowly take a step back, everything about you is fading, everything is becoming a blurred, unrecognizable image. Is this how it feels to let go? I want to hang on to those wonderful memories but my heart has become too heavy already. But as the dust started to settle, I realized I must let go. There’s just no point hanging on to something, or to someone who doesn’t even want to stay.
I can see that you’ve already let go. I’ll follow your example and let go too. I have to let go of the shackles that have long kept me grounded. Tonight, I’m taking a step back in order for me to look forward. I am letting go of you because I owe it to myself to find happiness. It breaks my heart and spirit but I must.
It’s time to pick up the pieces to heal myself. I must make myself fall into a deep stupor to heal. In time, I will be better. I know I will never totally heal because vestiges of you will remain in my heart. That’s the drawback of loving someone too much for too long I guess. It might seem arbitrary but only time will tell.
So goodbye. Now, you’re just going to be somebody that I used to know.
Somebody That Used to Know Somebody.